Building a quality relationship takes time, purposeful actions, truth, revelation, mercy and grace. As I review the final layout of my book it is becoming more and more evident to me how God has been doing that in my life over the past eight years. Especially in the first three years from when Victoria was diagnosed, which is the focus of the book.
At one stage in the book editing process I identified 'feature sentences'. These are sentences that were to be highlighted on every few pages. We have since parked that idea, however yesterday as I was checking other formatting I wondered what it would look like if all the feature sentences were pulled out into a list. What journey would they show? Let's have a look ....
January 2011 - Diagnosis
Victoria had virtually no control over her left foot.
He told me to take Victoria to hospital straight away.
"The CT scan showed there is a mass in your child's brain"
"This is a very unusual tumour, in a very unusual place"
We did not know what our future would hold past next Thursday
I made some signs saying, 'This is a big trust God time.'
All I could think was, 'Will she be able to do this after the operation?'
How do you tell a five year old and a seven year old that their sister may not come home again?
But that is the sad reality of having a seriously ill child with siblings. As a parent you have to make choices with your time.
Fear was starting to set in. What was going on in her brain?
February 2011
Nothing spectacular about this day, other than our daughter was living and breathing.
Victoria is now including her left hand more often in play rather than ignoring it completely.
March 2011
I needed to give myself permission to grieve for the plans and dreams I had for Victoria.
April 2011
So now we have a chart on the fridge, an idea of the psychologist, called 'Let people help.'
August 2011
Once again we praise God for His healing power
I still cry when I watch her swimming.
February 2012
We were not expecting this news. It is a shock.
June 2012
I am so grateful for the wonderful support network who responded to my request for help.
The scan indicates that the tumour has grown by approximately 40%.
July 2012 - Chemotherapy starts
As the nurse explained, if the first port access is traumatic for the child, then subsequent accessing, in our case initially for three months, maybe twelve months, continues to be traumatic.
August 2012
This journey may not be a short one.
Of course during this time there have been some moments of joy.
October 2012
The tumour has reduced in size since commencing the chemotherapy
November 2012
I felt so loved by God, and so reassured of His love and provision for Victoria.
December 2012
While in hospital I had plenty of time to think about the impact of these hospital visits on our family
One of the biggest blessings of 2012 is that every member of our family has finished the year in a much better state emotionally that when the year started.
January 2013
"Some of the mums do blogs to keep people updated"
During the past couple of weeks Victoria has started to ask questions.
I can't express the disappointment that was in my heart.
February 2013
It is God whom we choose to put our faith in.
It was equally good to have some laughs as a family.
As for the tears, there was only one moment in the day when I felt the tears well up, while talking to one of the beautiful caring school mums.
March 2013
I don't want our children to fear death.
April 2013
I fully believe that God can help me get to the point where I can live each day like that, and no longer live 'from scan to scan.'
One big concept I am only starting to get a handle on is that God really does have it all under control.
June 2013
I spent the first half hour of the session crying as I watched Victoria do her best in the running relay races.
God has definitely been our rock during this journey, and He will continue to be.
July 2013
Victoria's wish is to go to the snow and throw snowballs at everyone.
I felt that God was telling me that He already knows the outcome with Victoria's health, and I am to rest in that truth.
August 2013
We will be leaving Mt Buller with so many wonderful family memories, and knowing that despite our circumstances, God is always in the midst.
One place we receive a lot of support from is the local church that we belong to.
September 2013
It is amazing the difference it has made to us all not having had Victoria in hospital for over three weeks.
October 2013 - Chemotherapy stops
The doctor nonchalantly said, 'This will be the last treatment today, and we will reassess after the scan.' I just sat there a bit stunned, that was not the plan last week.
I grieve for Victoria, she has been amazing throughout this time, but her childhood is not as it should have been.
As I have said many, many times before, Jesus is the Rock I stand on.
And that is where the book ends, three years of pain, fear, grief and disappointment, interwined with God gradually drawing us closer and closer to Him. With a growing understanding of how to be content and grateful no matter what is happening in our lives, looking unto Jesus.
It's clear to me that there was a pivotal time in early 2013, when after two years of journeying through pain, I really start to see and believe in that God is bigger than our circumstance!
I believe that one of the catalysts for that change was an altar call I responded to in early 2013. At that time Victoria had completed six months of weekly chemo and I was starting to struggle emotionally, where was God? how much longer was this to go on for?
We had a visiting preacher at church. After preaching he invited people to come forward for prayer. I went forward. He said to me something like, "God says, You can trust me." And that was it. But God knew that was all I needed to hear. That was what I needed to know. I could trust God.
From that point, I can see that my focus started to gradually shift to be more on God and less on our circumstances. It was a gradual change, starting with moments in the day, which over the years grew to be minutes, eventually days, weeks and now months.
Saying that there are still moments of grief and pain, such as the other day at school when Victoria shared her testimony with the Secondary School - so young and so much to share about God's faithfulness, but it has come at a cost.
So it's necessary for him to increase and for me to be diminished. John 3:30 TPT
That is certainly what has happened on this journey, there has been an increasing of Christ in my life in every conceivable way.
He must increase, but I must decrease. [He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so.] John 3:30 AMPC
A stronger relationship has been built, where I have greater revelation that I am really nothing without Christ. Jesus. So intimately interested in each of us. Wanting us to surrender completely to His love and His ways. The cost we pay is nothing compared to what He has done for us.
For this is how much God loved the world - he gave his one and only, unique Son as a gift. So now everyone who believes in him will never perish but experience everlasting life. John 3:16 TPT
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